Awe-maze-ment

Every time in the last year I’ve begun to doubt our surro-journey, something amazing happens. The run of garage sales we did in June exhausted me to my core. There was a regretably memorable 48 hour period in which I was completely convinced everything was falling apart. I was honestly considering giving up completely. Thirty three of those 48 hours were spent awake and I was so sleep deprived from preparing for the garage sale already that I experienced what my sweet R.N. sister identified and diagnosed as a “nervous break down or something very close to one.” Never having experienced a nervous breakdown before, I can say only two things: I hope never to have to confront that monster again and I’m genuinely broken for people who deal with anxiety, nervousness, and panic in daily situations in a different way than I have been before. This was not a lesson I necessarily needed to learn the hard way. Looking back though, I’m glad I had the experience. It certainly gives me a new ability to empathize with a population of people that are still very mysterious to my extroverted, trusting heart. 

After my nervous break down, which fabulously collided with the last day of our sale, I experienced some of the deepest moments of doubt about our surro-journey I’ve had yet. The doubt was so great at one point that I wanted to toss the baby out with the bath water [where “bath water” represents the success of our journey so far] and forget the whole thing. I was a hot HOT mess. The hopelessness (holla to all the IFs out there) felt like it was going to swallow me.

Less than two weeks after the end of our last sale, I had yet another ultrasound to examine my misbehaving uterus. It’s growing polyps already, after having a D&C this past March. We all know it’s nothing  more than a ticking time bomb at this point. I’ve just had this unreasonable ridiculous goal of not needing a hysterectomy before age 35. I was so worried I wasn’t going to make it since it’s rounding the bend here pretty fast. 

Just a few hours before my appointment for the scan, my hope was refueled by a very unexpected potential on the egg donor front. I found out that friend of a friend’s mom’s neighbor may be willing to donate an egg. 

I cried huge happy & relieved sobs of joy all the way to my gyn’s office. Hope was no longer less and in fact, in that moment it was so much more than I would have ever imagined possible. A woman, who is and will remain a stranger to me, made a selfless, generous, life-changing offer. Whether or not the details of this offer flesh out, the very moment it was offered the ending of our story changed. Simply because I did not give in to the overwhelming sense of hopeless.

A lessor “plot twist” might have persuaded me from giving the hopelessness a lasting foothold. But then I won’t ever know what might have been without it. For that, I’m imesurabley grateful. Because this is – though it feels very much like a dream or a movie scene – for real. It was dramatic. It was perfect.

(The details of the possible egg donor are not all ironed out just yet. It is a very in-process offer on the table of our Team Dream Baby future. Stay tuned for developments. This will all take some time to investigate. I’ll update as it becomes relevant.)

I’ve known since it began that our journey to parenthood is not an A to B sort of journey. Our Z – our ending – isn’t clear. There isn’t a 1-to-1 correlation in this gestational surrogacy thing…or really in parenting…ever – no matter how your journey got started! 

We have a list of questions that seems to get longer with every one we answer. Majority of the time though, the answers are leaving me in contastly new states of awe-maze-ment. (Yes, I did make that up. It’s gonna be like YOLO in a year, just wait!)

No. Matter. What. Happens. I stand in awe-maze-ment of this journey and the story of joy it is writing in my soul with each itty bitty baby step. I am classically an over achiever so I say this boldly without the actual experience to back me up: I truly believe parenthood is simultaneously the most difficult and most rewarding journey of life. 

P.S. My uterus “passed” this most recent exam. We revaluate in October. After I turn 35. I do so love to achieve my goals…even if is by the skin of my teeth. Here’s hoping for no emergencies until after my birthday!

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